I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
