I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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