Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
