Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
well most of my day revolves around power hour
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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