I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
