Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Are we still banned from the library?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
