I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize