I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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