On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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