saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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