my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
