you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
