I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
