i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
