Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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