i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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