Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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