I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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