just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
3 2 1 whiskey
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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