I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Operation Purity has been aborted
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
