Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
