He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
