please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
