Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
