I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
