Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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