im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
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