He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We left the knife in your bed.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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