please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
