i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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