i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
