In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
