Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
