I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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