There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
