The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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