The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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