dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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