Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
