she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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