When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
