This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize