Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
