my phone needs a breathalizer
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This baby is an asshole
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
