Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
