walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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