I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Randomize
