So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
