i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so that wasnt chicken after all
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I pour the whiskey from now on
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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