Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
