We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
