I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
