The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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