P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
