My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Randomize
