i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Can Purell be used as lube?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We're too hungover to prance.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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