On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
